At all. Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? It is boring and lacks any excitement. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. Oddly, I have forgiven him and wish him no ill will. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. And dont feel guilty about it. I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Sparkle that video is really emotional to watch for me, having been where that woman was too. I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. He really doesnt deserve a harsh, bitter unforgiving attitude from me. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. My friends husband just asked me out! She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. When u end it. Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? Here is his message hi!! Its a set up! Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. What a beautiful sentence. And that means that sometimes you might get upset over things that really aren't related to what you're actually upset about. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. But I had let my sister listen to it. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. I keep thinking that the stuff he says and does seems so crazy and offensive that I have to wonder if its all just an act and hes just doing this because hes trying to seem cool or something like that. Please be more discriminating in the future. It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. endstream endobj startxref Stay away. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. Thanks for your well thought out post. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. So I couldnt. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. You are not doing that, you are just not willing to give her an opportunity to continue to her nastiness to you. We were friends last year and then ended up in bed on new years eve and I was willing to try the relationship again, but he said he didn;t want to, that I destroyed his soul the last time we were in relationship, becasue I was honest with him about his behaviours. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. But we really need to forgive ourselves. Allison, Thank you, yes I feel I am. Were always so ready to call/txt the ex when we hear that word. That matured my arse up real quick. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! Frontiers in Psychology. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. I forgive him and have prayed about it. They always tell you who they are. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. I am definitely tempted to do this! Despite your best efforts, it's impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. He had no answer to that so I walked away. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. Or immature? But thats just me. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Any thoughts? Something about the sordidness and secrecy kept pulling me toward him. so sad. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. After trauma, you may be unable to control the. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. Click here for an email preview. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. Why he would want to is another question you dont have to worry about unless youre still with him. Please buy it! Its not a joke. I still think the work one is tricky but when I lived on a small island people met at work all the time, got married, had children and continued to work in the same office. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. Thanks for being patient with me! Not the past. He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. other information we have about you. If one day you wish to talk to me again, do so. difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting None of these are likely. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". Its been 2 weeks and Ive not responded. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. I dont hold a grudge but by god I will no longer hit the reset button with this total dick head who I spent 5 years with, who has made this the most painful, long drawn out break up I have ever experienced in my life. What a shame! Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. Its finally over. They also gave me pause for thought. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! But, same thing happens, again and again. This post is really something to think about. Probably a Narc, with more baggage than an airport. These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. i know I am a jackass. This content does not have an Arabic version. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. I got bored and stopped replying. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! So glad youre out of that horrific situation. He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. you are special. Just clarifying my thoughts! But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. dont care, dont care, dont care. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. She did not mention the message she had left me. Improved mental health. Dont They Care About Me? Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. . Its not about you or anything you may have said or done. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Its more lime an addiction. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. you wont because youre wise and loyal to your friend but I wonder how many others of her friends he has managed to do this too. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. This is drama and will go nowhere! In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. I like this definition of forgiveness. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. So need this. 5 Ways to Stop Holding Grudges and Move On I Psych Central My life has become SO much better since he left. She finally married her fourth husband and moved away and didnt contact us as often as she had. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. I dont expect a reaction he never gets angry or shows any emotion at all in fact. Forgiving is not always easy - especially if you have experienced . You know you need to stop. My ex never took drugs, lazed around drinking beer in his undershirt and never even hit me. Thank you. How am I supposed to "get over" MIL crashing childbirth? Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. Vindication? I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. I said Im sorry!) It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Remorse? And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? That worked. and she appears to be lovely woman. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. Block this idiot. I was actually relieved when she showed her true feelings on that voice mail message because now I can let everyone who wants to know why I dont have anything to do with her listen to the incredible, unbelievable message she left her daughter. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. Like my mother for example? Forgiveness is letting go. Not at all. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. What is the difference between "grudge" and "vengeance " ? "grudge" vs There usually seems to be some very black and white ideas that people have about forgiveness and what it entails. Forgiveness is an act of faith. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. ago. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. Realize this. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. Signs You're Holding a Grudge Even If You Don't Think You Are - Insider But that isn't always the case. I was so surprised with his sudden change of behavior toward me, that I mistook it for his dropping his act. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. You lost your cool over something unrelated, "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off,", , a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. Its always uplifting for us all to hear stories of victory and healing. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. Whether the experience is a good one or a very bad one, hopefully you learn and come out a better person. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. For example, I was involved with a real AC and got some really amazing help on BR that helped me to go no contact and get over him. I was having a real rough time in my life a couple of years ago and attracted about 5 different personality disorder types into my life(including NPD). So I relented. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice. Stay up to date with what you want to know. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. But when someone does harm to you (emotionally, mentally), and you finally overcome that, and they try to convince you things will be positive if you want it to be. thts it. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. He cant give me what I want, need and deserve as a woman so its futile for me to stick around. Did I learn lessons along the way? Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? I can't handle being around my mother for more than an hour at a time. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. I feel right about not replying to him. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! What makes someone do that? Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. Youre mean to not want to go there. I want to be a grown up too but, dang, your inner little girl is fun!!! Ive been there. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Grudges are a form of punishment. We get it all here. I intend to have an amicable relationship with him, for their sake, but in my heart I do not forgive him for how he treated me. I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts.

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