I think of him all day long, but it gives me hope to get through the day to know that one day I will see his happy smiling face again. I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I stared at the ground for 5 hours straight. I am moving forward in my life, because I have no choice. The family decides to keep the suicide a secret. Feel free to pm if you need an empathetic ear. I am so sorry. Being former law enforcement, I immediately knew she would not be coming home. Watching my mom beg him to fight and wake up. Its his funeral soon, and I dont want to go. I have lain awake at night filled with anxiety and dread, wondering where she was, what was she doing, was she okay? Hell be watching down on you. (1983). Scared to death of doctors. I got a call from his little brother around 9pm while I was driving home and he told me the news, Luke had shot himself in the backseat of his car and was found by his grandfather. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. I know I need to be here for him. If a friend is considering suicide, get professional help right away. I hold him and listen to him and heal his loneliness, and take him to help. it killed him , the gun might have ended his life but he was ready to die. My younger brothers son is three. I keep trying to read on how to work through my grief, how to figure out the way to live without him, and i keep reading about the stages of grief. Also was about to graduate. Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I cant find the news article now at all. My second piece of advice, when you are ready, is to find a Suicide Survivor group in your area. And then everyone will know Im a killer. Then I explain it to people what happened. Nothing seemed wrong, although I remembered wishing I was able to see him one-on-one for our usual authentic talks. Join a 12 step program. We dont really talk about it as a family, but I feel at peace knowing that there is a common understanding of how my mom died. hes a over the road truck driver so I couldnt just wait for him to come home. I cant see myself ever moving on as it feels Im frozen in that moment finding him and looking for signs of life. The guilt I have is tremendous, part of me knows that he loves me and forgives, but the rest of my thoughts are so much loader. So much I want to say , but after all these years I still think about it. ..and stated that hed attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. She had been planning on jumping in front of a truck, but when she saw a police car coming up the ramp she retreated to her car to avoid looking suspicious (she later confided in me). It is hard to imagine Christmas this year, knowing he is gone. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too. Day before yesterday my friend and neighbor had a fight with her family. I already see myself as a failure as a brother, it doesnt matter if people try to comfort me by saying otherwise. He died after overdosing in his car while driving. Committed robbery, committed arson, committed murder. Last October 2018, I tried to jump off the Mount Hope Bridge in RI. He began using drugs hed never done before, using the excuse that it is the only thing that takes the pain away. Im glad to hear that our website has been helpful. Someone sent me a quote tears are a way of expressing pain that words cant and i would like to add to it to help explain how I am feeling. Almost exactly 1 year ago , August 2nd,2017 he committed suicide. He was on a split from his g/friend that he didnt want. A means no. Therese Kyker August 14, 2022 at 10:53 pm Reply. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GPs, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I have no one. I knew she was struggling and in great emotional pain. No one knows how much I hurt and cry. And I often connect these strange thoughts to what he might have been feeling or battling at the time. So, I continue to utilize my time, to nurture and love myself every day. I had no idea he would do this. It had gotten to the point where she wasnt the same old friend anymore. I will forever regret this moment. He was so loved. He said he loved me too and left after a hug with a smile on his face. His body was found and it was discovered he'd overdosed. I cant have meaningful relationships, because Im afraid of losing someone again. I know Cassie was sick. Cindy Zagorski January 20, 2018 at 1:59 am Reply. I feel you my brother hung himself on Mothers Day . I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. In my opinion, suicide is not the easy way out. If any of us who are so blessed and fortunate to have not walked a mile in the shoes of someone suffering from bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc etc. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. I mean what else was there to do? I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldnt be around her anymore. Cassandra, Im so very sorry for your loss. Many people think I should have been able to move on by now, but for some reason I just cant. Its some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. If youve read this thank you, please pray for my family, as this has left us shaken to our cores. I miss him so much. Ride those waves and sit in the hurt. My bf recently lost his twin brother from suicide, he hung himself in a jail cell, we kind of know why he did it but didnt know he had the skill..but my bf for about two weeks now have been having these dreams of his brother screaming his nameScotty Scotty,help me over and over and then Im lost help me and his brother wouldnt have a face at all my bf tried holding him but his brother cant see or hear him hes just wondering aimlessly with his arms out looking and sounding lost. We must stay strong for us and for thier memory. Im the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. Stressors included work and fears that he was prescribing too many controlled substances (this had come to his supervisors attention yet there was no direct consequence) and fears that his very elderly father might pass. He tried to send me a message on fb. Mental illness is a physical illness and mixed with chronic pain caused him great suffering. Approximately 90%of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. All my mom has left is me and shes scared to death something is going to happen to me. My Son shot himself in the head in front of me Im losing my mind its been a year how are you coping? it haunts me thinking what he must have felt to lead him to this. Maybe your relationship with your dad is strained, but that doesnt mean your feelings toward him are lacking relationships are always complicated, and its okay to be angry or spiteful toward him; its okay to still be upset that he is sick while still being angry and distant; its okay to not be all too bummed out about it, too. Thank you. Its hurting me and I barely knew him. You did the best you could. I lost my younger sister to suicide by hanging in June 2018 in NYC. He got a really good job and his own apartment. Sometimes I tell myself whats the point of even trying getting better? I had post-traumatic stress reactions as a result of his abuse and so now I just feel free now that hes not here. It was 11 p.m. so i was confused. Sending much love I have the same questions as you just dont understand why. The pain is still intense. I told him that I wished he was a better man, and other stingers I knew would hit his vulnerability. He briefly mentioned messages on the night about what he was about to do but being the young joker lad he was he always used humour about things like this so how was I to know? I was 250 miles away, in Washington, sitting on one of those silent subways the city is known for. I dont even know what it is I feel really, the absence of anything. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. I just want to know why. Please keep swimming, just like Dory says just keep swimming swimming swimming, Mike B. August 30, 2021 at 11:22 am Reply. dealing with things has been difficult. I lost my wife on her second suicide attempt last year just before the pandemic hit. But I do know that my mom was determined to end her life. Im mad, Im crying all the time, and none of this makes sense at all. That later in life they will be able to understand. The aftermath never goes away. Be kind to those around you and take the happiness life gives you. His sister suffers from Bipolar too and misses him terribly I also lost my first baby girl only after 10 days so I find life very hard, and cannot enjoy myself or seem to be able to come to terms with this awful empty, sad and bereft feeling. On April 5th, 2019 around 6:30 am I woke up to 2 missed calls from my brother earlier that day around 12:30 am. Grief will come in waves, but you can ride it out. He left no note. I totally identify with the pain. It was something none of us expected and were in complete and utter shock. Ive never liked being around guns but for him I didnt think twice. They have been immensely helpful & supportive for me and my son. Ive had mixed experience. My mom and brother held his hands and my dad said he was so sorry and that he loved us. On the 13th of this month(December), he sent me a text saying I hype to have a good day. I worry about my other son who seems to be ok because I do not want to loose him either. No note. Funding cuts to mental health services have done a great disservice to those who seek help before the act. There are resources on campus that can help you." If you continue to be concerned about your friend in distress, contact the UT Behavior Concerns and COVID-19 Advice Line at 512-232-5050, which is accessible 24/7/365 and staffed by trained professionals. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. We were honest with each other about how we felt in life. The timing of his suicide was particularly cruel. Like I said, Im in the denial stage and that car outside my window is surreal. saige overson July 5, 2021 at 6:38 pm Reply. (After piecing together that he was having withdrawals all weekend) Sunday came and my mom said around 12 pm he left the house. I am bawling my eyes out right now. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. Your comment made me cry. Your grief will take time. Finally after eternity passed, the car door opened and a paramedic reached in. He had so many dreams, to become a professional basketball player, or a vlogger on YouTube. Similiar to Chan. I feel lonely and unloved. SEEK out ongoing support/medical treatment. I dont know what Im supposed to say or do, or how to brace myself for the waves of grief and anxiety and obligations waiting for me back home. YES there is a stigma to suicide . We would communicate off and on throughout 15 years of knowing each other. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. The people that I know that knew him only knew him a little better then I did, as we all belonged to a MeetUp group. We had drinken that night and should not have been on the road. My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. You can listen to it online here https://m.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/557/birds-bees. Thanks for the article. I miss him so much, its like he took the rest of my life with him. Hug your loved ones tight tonight, and never miss an opportunity to tell them what they mean to you, I beg of you. I thought hed be a doctor, Id be his PA and wed have children together and be each others missing piece. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isnt somehow blaming me. Ive been through a similar experience, my best friend abruptly took his own life just a few days ago. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldnt close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! THIS is the one that resonates with what I am going through right now! He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. i love him so much. I urged her to not look at it that way. I think one of the hardest thing for me has been the feelings of isolation that have come from others not knowing how to allow me to be where I am in my grieving while at the same time not leaving me alone in my grief. I dont know what else to do. Now they told me that they dont me around. Still cant get my head round it. One jumped off a bridge and the other hung himself. I have no thoughts of suicide myself, but I do wonder how much longer I will survive with a shattered heart. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughters screams. Still, I cannot get over the feeling that I shouldve found a way to stop her. I instantly took the No, that isnt true path. Nobody could make me feel as good about myself as he could. There were also bullets next to the guns. God, this sounds so cliche, but please, please, dont ever do this. The guilt is just a strong undercurrent flowing beneath the pain. Jane my heart goes out to you. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself through out the years. I didnt really understand the dry distance we maintained. Gail Julmi April 13, 2019 at 6:04 am Reply. My brother's life had been unfinished, as he had been so capable of many things, and here he sat with an entire laptop full of information that had never been completed. My partner took his life 8 months ago and my sister was there for support. By the way, this is not limited to suicide only, but people who do it are more retrievable than those who die due to illnesses. He was one of the good ones. Ive thought about that comment, and yes, it is selfish but for those who are suffering enough to find living unbearable, I understand it appears to be the only way out. Around a year and 2 weeks ago, one of my closest friends took her own life. I don't remember much of what happened afterwards. Its a terrible thing to have to live through and no amount of time will ever heal me from this damage that He left inside. The part that makes it impossible to get past. My neighbors family all left right away to stop being at the place where it happened. Simultaneously Ive also been empathetically grieving for the children who lost their mother and angry that they have so many reasons to believe its their fault. It feels very stigmatising sometimes to be bereaved by suicide and to also feel like its a relief because the person was abusive and their death by whatever means equals them not being able to hurt me again. The pain does get better but it takes a long long time. I detected no problems whatsoever. Hoping this is not inappropriate. Barbara J. so much could have been done to prevent my friends death, as an adult looking back its hard not to miss this! Nicki I lost the love of my life and best friend 8 years ago today. Michelle Masterson May 28, 2021 at 6:08 am Reply. The police came in to inform us that she hanged herself in a homeless unit, her partner found her and they tried to revive her. He was 7 1/2 years older than me and he died eight days after my wedding and after having run off a month before. June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:57 pm Reply. He left a note saying the horrors of his job as a fire fighter haunted him and he couldnt deal. I chose to respond in a similar noncommittal way. As of today, Im still confused of why he isnt around anymore. And all the bullshit issues that siblings who really couldnt be much closer have with each other. She left behind her 2 year old son whom my husband and myself have taken in. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as Ive never been the same ever since. I wish I had called, i always dayream what could have happened if i had called, i am always imagining things. Kelly McLaughlin August 20, 2020 at 12:26 am Reply. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I also suggest you give this article a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/five-stages-of-grief/ Although the idea of working through five stages of grief and then reaching healing is desirable, it is rarely that straightforward. But a part of me refuses to believe that my exs suicide is not my fault. Just to think I feel like it was very selfish my daughters cry every time they think about him and I just have to show them a lot more love is very hard for me too I went to his funeral with my oldest daughter and she had to say good bye to him in a very sad way they also decided to cremate his body and she was there to witness, such a hard way to end his life he was only 31 years old. His eyes never leave mine , I even tried to catch his body. Is my family right? Farhan Towhid, a chronically depressed 19-year-old Texan who formed a murder-suicide pact with his older brother and killed their parents, sister and grandmother over the weekend, was raised in a religious Muslim family but acted against his faith, according to Hasmat Mobin, president of the Bangladesh Association of North Texas. He knew you would drop everything and chose not to reach out. I know he doesnt suffer now but I also know I feel so selfish to want him with me! I lost my big sister. I like this; its been three months for me since my sister committed suicide. He had no idea what to say. We only had each other after mum died. Bruce Caister January 3, 2021 at 9:55 pm Reply. His influence in me is so great, his fingerprints are all over the man Ive become. Luckily my mother was home and was able to hold me and reassure me its not my fault my friend killed herself. There is help for you but you need to seek it. I found him. i loved him and i do not think it is a selfish disease and i truly dont think it will ever stop because no one talks anymore and no one listens anymore. I feel like Im carrying some kind of burden, like by staying on the property I have a duty to fulfill, such as continuing to search my mind for the answer to what I can do to help somebody. I his mother am so so miserable that we have lost him for a second time. My daughter was 30 also and left behind my 8 yr old grandson too. My middle sister hung herself in my parents basement with my Dads necktie at the age of 26 on 12/29/83.I was 22. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. Its never easy and it changes not only your life, but soul forever. I forever feel a strong wave of guilt and are being blamed by his family for not helping him or trying to save him. Whos dead? We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind. An amazing friend killed himself 51 weeks ago. My brother hanged himself in May this year. It is also okay not to feel angry. The next night as I headed home from work me and 5 others received a random text . To me I didnt lose a father, I lost an abuser, so theres nothing to be sorry for. My darling perfect lovely boyfriend killed him self yesterday morning. Became to much to bear. Every night I think about everything that I got to see and feel and love, and then remember that hes not here. Witnesses indicated that shed been parked by the tracks for 90 minutes before taking her own life. He was overwhelmed and had poor coping skills and lack of a proper support system. I will stand by hubby and listen as im a strong person but God Im copping it for being so .. some days I just want to run away and return to normalIm ok but noone around me is.. the reason I still carry on is because of my dad and brothers and family and I have dreams. This is why I chose to say he killed himself by suicide. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling. I wish I spoke to him sooner, Rachael January 5, 2020 at 11:17 pm Reply. Parisa August 20, 2020 at 11:05 pm Reply, After 24 hours being missing they found hermy sons fianc. I dont cry all day but i wish i could. I hope we, the siblings left, all find strength and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives. Another family conference was called. My brother killed himself when I was 12. The anger problems started after an accident where he suffered a head injury. Now I have an 11 week old son. I miss my brother deeply. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. His note said life hurt too much. I walked into his apt and found him sprawled on the floor, dead from a massive overdose. My husband took his life on May 1, 2017. I dont even think we ever had a personal conversation before. if only, i had pushed harder to get more tests done on his brain. And although you might relate to aspects of another persons grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. I miss him everyday and this time of year can be overwhelming at times. I lost my Fiance on May 28th 2019 its been 11 days and my heart is broken. For some reason lately, I have been non stop crying over the death of my dad and everything he is missing out on. We post a new article to Whats Your Grief about once a week. Nobody had the time or patience. I constantly go back to that day and going over every small detail of it. I thing about her was up until about a month into her pregnancy she was always the happy, understanding, loving person. I have several irrational regrets that just wont fade, despite the logical side of me refuting them. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. I have to keep living and keep going because my story is far from over . We live with the what ifs and whys everyday. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. He made work fun and motivated us. He developed diabetes from my understanding, Neuropathy in his hands and feet.
