My parents still make fun of me for a movie I wanted to watch when I was 8 because it was so awful. So, encourage her to spend time with him. I was like 7.) He's always putting him down. Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. I mean, maybe? (Which is fine, I guess. Dad used people for his own good. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. But you know what? So insightful! Interested in science? Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. I agree with you, again. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. Awesome. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . Most of them are women. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. . , so i guess it cuts both ways. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. I have to agree. Thanks temp! It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. How so? THIS. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). Youre mad at your dad, not at me! The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. 2. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Thats still not OK. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly : r/Advice And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. Maybe not, though. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. My mom is super-duper awesome. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). WWS. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. lets_be_honest Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. I watched it when I was a kid. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. Distance In Relationship With Grown Child - Focus on the Family And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. As a result, she may start to rebel and act out, which can eventually drive her away from her family. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. And of course. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) bittergaymark I had the same experience at college! I have to just try harder.. If the issue is raised during a child custody . Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today I was afraid the BS stood for something else. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. 1. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? This is exactly my experience, too. 1. honeybeenicki bittergaymark Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Plus, I like Rick Castle. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. Others see him as a bully and a hole. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. Mommy and daddy present a united front. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Make it a game. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Hey, that kind of worked for me. Hah! My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. But it was annoying. You may not see the rewards right away. Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Talk about missing the point. Nip . I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. Losing the . Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. I thought that was actually really funny. I think she may have deactivated. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. So how did she find out about it? Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. I hated sitting through long sports games. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! Huge!! (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. Can Someone Else Drive My Car? | American Family Insurance - amfam.com Lily in NYC Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. I strongly agree with this. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. bittergaymark He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really?

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